Monday, February 7, 2011

Day 50: I'm a Goof, I Know...

If you are checking out my blog today because of Brenda Drake's awesome contest, I'm sorry but I was an idiot and didn't realize at the time that I entered that it was for finished manuscripts only. Yes, I'm lame, sorry.

But since you were nice enough to check out my blog, I'll post my first line anyway. Just don't consider it an entry for the contest, since I'm only a little over half way finished with my book.

Genre: YA Fantasy
Title: Dreamweaver (working title)

 The bodies floating in the water looked serene as she peered down at them, but Penny knew they were dead.


  1. So I like the form of the sentence, but it's all telling. They "looked" serene and she "knew" they were dead. So, to make this show, and more engaging, here's an example:

    "The pallor expressions of the water-faces staring at Penny hinted serenity, their bodies bobbing, but they'd long past that time.

    Best with your revisions,

    In My Write Mind

  2. A bit passive, and a bit repetitive.
    Try 'Penny stared down at the dead bodies, surprised at how calm and serene they appeared as they floated below the bridge', or something, you get the idea.

  3. I rather like this line :) But I agree with what Justin has said. Try pumping up the show factor a little bit. Maybe something like "The bodies bobbed beneath Penny, looking peaceful as they floated atop the water, but she knew they were cold and long-dead."

    Thanks for sharing! :)

  4. I agree with the advice being shared about moving away from passive. Its a great image... just needs to be tightened.

    Good luck with your manuscript!

  5. I agree that it's a bit passive. Definitely want to know what is happening next though.



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