But since you were nice enough to check out my blog, I'll post my first line anyway. Just don't consider it an entry for the contest, since I'm only a little over half way finished with my book.
Genre: YA Fantasy
Title: Dreamweaver (working title)
The bodies floating in the water looked serene as she peered down at them, but Penny knew they were dead.
So I like the form of the sentence, but it's all telling. They "looked" serene and she "knew" they were dead. So, to make this show, and more engaging, here's an example:
ReplyDelete"The pallor expressions of the water-faces staring at Penny hinted serenity, their bodies bobbing, but they'd long past that time.
Best with your revisions,
JWP
In My Write Mind
A bit passive, and a bit repetitive.
ReplyDeleteTry 'Penny stared down at the dead bodies, surprised at how calm and serene they appeared as they floated below the bridge', or something, you get the idea.
I rather like this line :) But I agree with what Justin has said. Try pumping up the show factor a little bit. Maybe something like "The bodies bobbed beneath Penny, looking peaceful as they floated atop the water, but she knew they were cold and long-dead."
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! :)
I agree with the advice being shared about moving away from passive. Its a great image... just needs to be tightened.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your manuscript!
I agree that it's a bit passive. Definitely want to know what is happening next though.
ReplyDelete