Day 216: Man, I Hate Math...

That took way too much brain power to figure out what day I'm on.

Anyway, so, I'm doing this 1st Five Pages Workshop over at Adventures in Children's Publishing. Here's my most recent revision here. If you're interested in participating next month, keep an eye on the blog. Believe me, it's well worth it! It has been amazing getting feedback from other writers. My only problem is I had to cut like a chapter and a half off the beginning to get to this point. Which means quite a lot to my MS, because during this revision I've cut a lot of things. My MS is shrinking by the second. It's the INCREDIBLE SHRINKING BOOK!

If I decide to stick with this new edit on the first five pages, I'll have to do a good bit of reworking and mooshing and squishing to keep those words that I love. Very daunting, people... Not to mention I've given myself a deadline to have this MS in near perfect status... FOUR DAYS from now! *le sigh*

Enough pity partying. It all comes down to the fact that I will finish, this is not the end of the world, it is a good thing. I'm getting wonderful advice from encouraging people and I'm thankful. But, man, this is hard! Okay, that's the end of my whining, I promise...

And that's all I have for today.

Question: Have you ever gotten to a point in your MS that you thought "Yes, I love this," then you're told by a critique partner that "I think this needs to be totally reworked,"? How on Earth did you deal with it?

Day 64: Sundays Rock!

Sunday is quickly becoming my favorite day of the week, because of our literary club. It feels insanely good for Melissa to read my work and hear her giggle or make an "Uh-oh" sound. Makes me feel like I'm on the right track. Her WIP is also coming along nicely. I read a scene of her's yesterday that was definitely heart wrenching. We have a lot of fun discussing different aspects of writing. What we could do better? "Is this character too over the top?" Etc... We talked about everything from the pros and cons of e-publishing to why we love Twilight so much. It just warms my heart!

Amazingly, she asked me if I had any romance novels. Now, I'm a firm believer in a well written Romance. I love regency romance, paranormal, and a few contemporary ones (Cruisie's Bet Me being one of my favorites). I don't have many actual books anymore because I kinda made the switch to ebooks a few years ago and took like two or three big boxes full of paperbacks to the local used book store. I have so much credit there, I don't think I'll ever buy something from there at the full price.

So, I decided to give her my old Sony E-Reader. That thing was my best friend for like two years, but it felt good to pass it on to someone I knew will take care of it. I loaded it up with some stuff I think she'll like: a couple of series from Mary Balogh (my fav. regency writer), some of Charlaine Harris's series (Mel liked the Sookie books), the Aisling Grey series, the House of Night series, and The Hunger Games (soooo good!), among others.

So, there you have it. Our literary club is a definite success even if it is just the two of us.

In other writing news, I hit 40,000 words on Saturday!!!!! I was so proud of myself that I had a few beers and got into a Princess Bride quote battle on Twitter with @thatwritergirl7. Go follow her because anyone who knows as much as I do about The Princess Bride has got to be awesome!

So, I'm about to start the third act, if you will, of my book today and I'm extremely excited! LET THE EPICNESS BEGIN!

Day 39: The 99th Page Blogfest

So here's my 99th page for the 99th Page Blogfest. This is from a first draft, so I'm sure mistakes abound. Criticisms and comment are welcome! 

Penny is finally getting answers about her parents and other things from old Emerson.

     “Then that's the age they will appear. I think the Shores allow a person to age up until a certain point. They were created by the Gods and the Gods are a very narcissistic bunch. Most of them only want beauty in their lands. To them the young are beautiful, the old are not,” Emerson looked intently at Penny, obviously trying to gauge whether or not she understood it all.

     “You said its not uncommon for oneironauts to show up in different time periods. So, you can come back to Earth from the Shores?” Penny asked.

     “Yes, but when you return, Earth will recognize you and age you to the point you were when you left. Some oneironauts will spend five or ten years here then spend decades in the City of Dreams then return to Earth for another five or so years. Some decide to live out their one Earth lifetime in one go,” Emerson said as he thumbed through yet another album.

     “But, my parents don't show any aging. Why?” Penny was getting a funny feeling in her stomach.

     Emerson didn't answer immediately, but laid out the next album for Penny to see. It was different than the others. The pages were yellowed, everything was hand written, and it was leather bound. It smelled of years of dust. She looked at the picture. There were her parents once again in black and white. They stared out without smiling. Her mother sat on a chair and wore a very modest dress, the skirt went down to the floor and looked heavy and voluminous. Her hair was pulled up in a bun at the base of her neck and had a severe center part. Next to her, stood Penny's father. He wore a dark suit that wasn't tailored very well. His always present mustache was longer than usual, coming to points that stuck out from his face.

     Penny looked at what was written below the image: “Mr. Barnaby Masters and Mrs. Celia Masters, Founders of the Institute, 1896”.

     “What does all this mean?” Penny said as she stared at the page. Her stomach was doing flip flops now and her cheeks felt flushed.

Day 30: Skipped a Day, But That's Okay...

Yep, I skipped a day, but that's okay because I did a lot of soul searching and all that other mess about making some changes in the way I live my life. I won't bore you with it since this is a blog about my writing journey. Let's just say I actually did some yoga this morning. 


So, here's some writing news. Lydia Sharp (@lydia_sharp) over at The Sharp Angle sent out her critiques and announced the winner and honorable mentions of her contest of AWESOMENESS! It was so helpful to see it in my mailbox this morning. So, here it is, my first 500 words of Dreamweaver along with Lydia's critique.

First Chapter Critique Contest, Entry #3 

Author: Leah Miller

Title: DREAMWEAVER

Genre: YA Fantasy

Thanks so much for entering the contest!   

    The bodies floating in the water looked serene as she peered down at them, but Penny knew they were dead. {that is a really awesome opening line.} There were all types of people down there: young, old, men, women, all nationalities. Their arms and legs stretched out, their hair and clothes suspended and flowing around them eerily. In the slight moonlight, their faces looked so pale. They frightened her.  

    Penny didn't want to end up in the water, with them. {the comma feels out of place there. If you want to indicate a pause for emphasis I would suggest using a period there instead and making a fragment.} Her feet barely touched the ocean as she looked out and saw a shore in the distance. It beckoned, and she felt a strange desire to respond. She willed herself forward. She moved at a decent pace, her toes leaving trails on the surface of the water. There was no breeze which Penny briefly reflected on and thought odd. No wind on the sea? It made her feel almost trapped in this wide open space.

      Nearing the shore now, she could see someone standing on the beach. He turned toward her. His white face shined in the moonlight. His hair was black as night and slicked back accentuating a severe  widow's peak. His tuxedo fit perfectly, the water lapping at his bare feet had drenched the cuff of his pants.

     His eyes locked on hers. Images of his face flashed in her mind, bringing with them a stabbing pain. Her hands flew to her temples and she had to fight hard to continue hovering above the ocean. Again and again, his visage forced itself into her mind: utterly cruel, his skin almost translucent showing blue veins underneath. With every assault, his black eyes became angrier, his thin lips forming a disgusted snarl. His barrage ended suddenly and Penny looked up to see him sprinting down the beach.

      He was running toward a small boat, it's one stark white sail jutting up toward the starless sky.

      He was going to come to her. {I would reword this. It's lacking the oomph I think you intended.}

      Fear started to overwhelm Penny and she couldn't decide what to do. {again, lacking oomph. It's too "telly", if you know what I mean. You're justtelling me that she's afraid and doesn't know what to do, instead of letting me feel it.} She was drawn to the shore, but couldn't go there because of him. She refused to let herself join the bodies in the sea. The boat was heading toward her now, quickly. She could see that terrifying man standing at the bow, determined to reach her. Penny's breathe came rapidly, trying to run but unable to move.

      Everything began to blur and fade to darkness. {keep the wording strong: Everything blurred and faded to darkness. See the difference? It's the same thing, but stronger.}

      Penny's eyes popped open and her white, stuccoed ceiling stared back at her. {describing the ceiling like that detracts from the mood, in my opinion. I would just say "ceiling" and drop the descriptions. Those aren't what you want the reader to focus on here. The tension of the viewpoint character is more important.} She raised her head, the muscles in her neck protesting the movement. She had fallen asleep in her computer chair, again. Her heart was racingraced and her face felt hot cheeks burned. {"race" and "face" so close to each other is a bit awkward. The other suggestions were made to keep the wording strong.} She got up and made her way down the hall to the bathroom being as quick and quiet as possible. {I think you can reword that so it doesn't read so generic. Give me some voice.} She didn't want to wake Maggie.

      In the bathroom, she bent over the sink and splashed some  cool water on her flushed cheeks. As she took deep breaths, she gazed at her reflection in the mirror. Despite the sleep she'd just had, her blue eyes were red rimmed and drowsy as always. {again, that whole final paragraph is dry. You're simply stating the actions, like I'm watching a movie. The great thing about novels is that you can really get into the viewpoint character's head. Feel what she feels. Think what she thinks.}

 

You started out great, but the more I read, the less I felt. And it was kind of a letdown that she was only dreaming. BUT! Going by the title, I get the sense that dreams are really important in this story, so I wouldn't suggest changing that at all. Just be careful with how you present it. Only start with a dream if you absolutely have to, because most people don't like getting into a fantastical setting like that with an intense event and then... oh, sorry. It was just a dream. It's a letdown. But like I said, knowing ahead of time that this story is about dreams in some way softened that blow a little.

 

You definitely have a good handle on descriptions. Excellent job with those. And the story itself has piqued my interest. Your writing style is also refreshingly clean.

 

I'd like to see a little more voice, though. Something that shows me why this character's viewpoint is unique enough to follow through an entire novel. What is it about her that made you choose her to tell this story? That should be evident from the very beginning. In YA, especially, it's important to emphasize viewpoint. It should be prevalent, not just here and there. Try to get something in almost every paragraph that shows me a little glimpse of who this person is on the inside.

Thanks again, and good luck with this!

I love this critique! She addressed so many aspects that I myself was questioning. Her comments on not making it so "telly" made complete sense to me. I realize I need to spice it up a little when it comes to Penny's character right there at the beginning. Almost immediately after these 500 words I believe I do dive into why Penny's point of view is interesting and worth the read. But, after reading this critique, I feel I do need to add more about Penny and how she's feeling at that moment. Not just describe the actions she takes. These first words are supposed to be the thing that hooks a reader so I will work on them and make them really shine. 

I especially like Lydia's last comment, "Try to get something in almost every paragraph that shows me a little glimpse of who this person is on the inside." I'll probably jot it down on a post-it to put on the wall next to my computer. But I'll have to make sure I don't go over board with it. *sigh* Every word must serve the story. 

Lydia is also correct in assuming that dreams are important in this book. They are extremely important, in fact. I knew I was taking a risk by starting with a dream sequence, which I've always thought was kind of cliche. But in my book dreams aren't used as a writing tool to hint to the story or as foreshadowing. They are as much a part of the story as reality is. Does that make any sense?

All in all, this critique is just what I need. I heart honest constructive criticism! Thank you so much, Lydia!